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Reason #5: We Become Afraid of All Babysitters

Today was my son's first day of day care. He has just learned to walk a few months ago, but he has no words. I started to cry this morning, getting him ready for his first day of day care. My husband assured me that it would be okay, and that he would love it.

The thing is, my mother trusted a young teenage girl to watch my brother and I. This babysitter molested us both. We were so young and so vulnerable, and the damage was done by the time she got home. She put her hands in places she shouldn't have, her tongue on places she shouldn't have, and had my brother put his tongue and mouth and hands and eyes on places he shouldn't have had to know of. I was less than five years old, he was less than 8. We were scared and alone, and this woman was in charge, and there was no where we could run. She said "Let's play a game." Games shouldn't make us feel dirty and scared forever.

Now that I am older, I understand that she was probably molested herself. But this is exactly my point. We know you molesters exist out there. We know you are opportunists who are just waiting for the right time and place to molest our children without getting caught in the act. And we know you will lie about it if you are caught.

Survivors of child sexual abuse tend to view the world in very black and white terms, without shades of gray. People are either good or bad. They will either hurt us and our kids, or they won't. And since that is our understanding of the world, we become afraid of putting our children into day care. This is why you shouldn't fuck kids, we become afraid of everyone that comes into contact with our children. You have proven you are willing to hurt us in unthinkable ways, and we take that knowledge with us in every facet of our life. Most especially with our children. The thought of such things happening to my beautiful, precious son scares me to my very core.

Please, G-d, don't let this happen to my child. Please, Lord, protect my child in the way You were unable to protect me.

Reason #4: Addiction

The addiction and child sex abuse link is supported by oodles of research. But hey, if you don't believe me, ask a survivor. Most of us are at the local bar, or high, or frankly, if you are like me, fat. I can't stop fucking eating.

A therapist once said to me "Food is mother. Literally, when you are born, food is mother (i.e., breastmilk)." After the breastfeeding, food is still mother, in terms of nurturing. That's the thing with surviving abuse, we spend the rest of our lives trying to mother ourselves with food.

We eat so much until we are in a food coma, till we can't think about the disgusting shit you did to us. Then, we can't take it, and everything we have stuffed down all these years - we throw it all up. We spend all this time swallowing everything down, keeping this great big secret inside of us, and then we throw it all up.

This is why you shouldn't fuck kids. We form addictions, whether it be binge-eating disorder, bulimia, or whatever addiction is most suited to your personality.

Reason # 3: We Get Scared Of People

A guy approached me in an elevator today. He was smiling and flirting with me. My reaction was to freak out and run away. I stammered something and then ran away.

Here's the thing. When you fuck kids, they grow up and get scared of intimacy. Someone flirting with me means that he wants to get intimate with me at some point. People got "intimate" with me when I didn't want them to, when I was in a little body and I didn't have the power for my "no" to be heard and respected. Now I am still that scared little girl in a grown up body, and I am seriously afraid that you, guy in the elevator, you won't respect my no either. So I run away from you as quick as possible.

I know what you want. I can see it in your eyes. And all of you scare the shit out of me, to be honest. This is why you shouldn't fuck kids, we get scared of people because we know they are willing to hurt us.

Reason #2: We Have a Hard Time with Sex

It's hard to want to fuck, even consensually, when you can't let your husband touch your genitals, because having your genitals touched feels like it did when your brother touched your genitals when you didn't want him to. It's hard to fuck my husband, because even though he is wonderful, my brother wasn't. And when I get horny, and my husband and I start to touch each other, sometimes I can't remember who is in bed with me, my brother or my husband.

When I was a little girl, my brother molested me on our living room couch. I used to pretend I was the wall. I would look away, and I was the wall, and this wasn't happening. He wasn't touching me there or licking me there. And I wasn't there either, because I was the wall.

Sex eludes me. As I understand it, some survivors turn nun-like, like I did, and some survivors fuck everything. Some survivors fuck everyone, because fucking strangers feels easier than being made to fuck your brother or step-father or whoever fucked you before you were old enough to consent to it. This is why you shouldn't fuck kids; it fucks with our sexuality, and fucks us for the rest of our life. No matter how old I am, I will always be the little girl who didn't want her brother touching her there.

#1: We Become Afraid of the Dark

I have been afraid of the dark for as long as I can remember. I have no memory before that babysitter molested my brother and I, but I remember being afraid of the dark right after that, and for the rest of my life. We all thought it would get better as I grew up. Instead, I am a 35 year old woman who sleeps with a light on. Not just a fucking nightlight, I might add. I am talking the kind of light you could read a book with.

Apparently, as legend has it, my brother and I started sleeping in the bed with my mother at night after that babysitter came into our lives. Babysitter, I don't know who you are, but look what you have done to us. This is why you shouldn't fuck kids, we become afraid of the dark for the rest of our lives.

My husband - he'll walk right outside into the night, like it's nothing. It shocks the fuck out of me every time.

The First Post - Reasons Why You Shouldn't Fuck Kids

Before you get all fucked up, let me explain. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, and over the years, it has occurred to me that surviving the abuse has had an enormous effect on my life and the way I live it. So, through the years, every time I do something fucked up, or react in a fucked up sort of way, I think to myself, "See? This is why you shouldn't fuck kids." Because if someone hadn't fucked with me as a kid, then I wouldn't have so many fucked up negative consequences.

DISCLAIMER: Let me state for the record - this blog is AGAINST the fucking of children. This whole blog is about why you SHOULD NEVER FUCK CHILDREN. If you are currently fucking kids in any way, shape, or form, and I find out about it, I will report you to the proper authorities. This blog hopefully will explain to you why this is a bad idea, and why if you are doing such a thing, you should stop. And if you can't stop, then you should be locked away in a safe place until such time as you are able to stop.

Back to our regularly scheduled shit. Some of the posts will be funny, some will be heartbreaking, and some will make you say "fuck, that's bad". Also, I speak as "We", meaning all of us survivors of child sexual abuse. But I really can't speak for everyone. If you are reading this and you are a survivor, and your shit differs from mine, I apologize for speaking for you. And if your shit is the same, then know that you are not alone.